How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (3 of 3 free samples)

---

COPYRIGHT
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People by Toby Young. Copyright 2001 by Toby Young.
All Rights Reserved. Sharing not permitted.

---

Previous

PROLOGUE (CONT'D)

By now, the titters had turned into jeers and catcalls. The crowds outside these events are referred to by people on the inside as "looky-loos" and their devotion to celebrities is matched by their hostility towards those they consider interlopers. I was just a civilian. I didn't belong on the other side of the velvet rope. I belonged behind the police barrier with them.

The bouncers began to eyeball me suspiciously.

"Could you please check one more time?" I pleaded. "I'm sure my name's on there somewhere."

The clipboard Nazi ran her eye over the list again, this time even faster.

"Not here," she concluded. "Bye, bye."

What was going on? Had Kseniak forgotten to take my name off and replace it with Alex's? I couldn't very well tell her to check under the name "Toby Young" now that I'd identified myself as Alex de Silva. I was fucked.

At that moment I sensed a commotion behind me and turned to witness the arrival of Anna Nicole Smith accompanied by a retinue of half-a-dozen hangers-on. This was her "conga line," an essential accessory of any celebrity, however minor. The crowd erupted, while the clipboard Nazi shoved me to one side and lifted the velvet rope. Suddenly, from being a ferocious gatekeeper, she morphed into an obsequious maitre d'.

"Miss Smith! How good of you to come!"

"I'm with a few friends," said the Playboy centerfold, motioning to her entourage. "Is that a problem?"

"Don't be absurd," laughed the clipboard Nazi, as if stopping anyone from entering the party was the furthest thing from her mind. "Go right in."

After Anna Nicole Smith and her six friends had filed past, the clipboard Nazi replaced the velvet rope and turned her attention back to me. She gave me a look as if to say "you still here?" I decided to give it one last try.

"Would it be possible to check with Beth? Alex de Silva from The Daily Mail."

"Okay," she sighed, "but it won't make any difference."

She unclipped a walkie-talkie from her belt and asked to speak to her boss. There was no reply. I checked my watch: 11:35 P.M.

Suddenly, I heard a familiar voice: "Toby? Is that you?"

It was Alex!

From what I could tell he was standing behind the police barrier, but I didn't dare turn round. I looked imploringly at the clipboard Nazi, but her attention was focused on Alex. He piped up again.

"Toby, if that's you, will you tell that nice lady to tell this nice policeman that I'm on the guest list? He's refusing to let anyone through without an invitation."

"D'you know that guy?" asked the clipboard Nazi.

I pretended to be miles away.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"That guy over there. D'you know him?"

I shot a glance in Alex's direction.

"Oh, that guy. Yeah, he's a notorious gatecrasher. Tries to get into everything. I wouldn't let him anywhere near the place if I were you."

By now Alex knew for certain it was me.

"Toby, why won't you acknowledge me, you dick?"

The clipboard Nazi continued to stare in Alex's direction.

"Look, could you try Beth again?" I pleaded. "I'm not making it up. She phoned me this afternoon to tell me I could come."

Without taking her eyes off Alex, she summoned her boss once again on her walkie-talkie. This time she got a response.

"This is Beth. Go ahead."

"I've got a young man here named Jack Silver from The Dayton Mail--"

"ALEX DE SILVA," I shouted, leaning into the walkie-talkie so Kseniak could hear me. "From The Daily Mail. You left a message on my hotel voicemail this afternoon."

Before she could reply, Alex started screaming.

"HE'S PRETENDING TO BE ME. I'M ALEX, NOT HIM. HIS NAME'S TOBY YOUNG. DON'T LET HIM IN."

Did the clipboard Nazi hear him? I couldn't tell.

The walkie-talkie crackled back into life.

"Yeah, I remember. Okay, he can come in."

Still staring at Alex, she absent-mindedly lifted the velvet rope. Against all the odds, I'd made it.

"A word of warning," I said, just before heading into the party. "One of that gatecrasher's favorite tricks is to pretend to be someone else. Don't believe a word he says."

#
-----
[As a general rule, the more insecure the celebrity, the larger their "conga line." When Jennifer Lopez appeared on BBC1's The National Lottery Stars on December 16, 2000--a prime time British show--she was accompanied by an entourage of 72 people.]

Previous